Journal Cover

I've finally had time to do more to my journal. I'm taking an on-line workshop on journal making and our first assignment was to decorate our journal cover. What a great way to "kill two birds with one stone" as my dad would have said. The workshop was offered through Art Trader Magazine (a free, on-line publication: www.arttradermag.com). They offer some great classes and the magazine is full of eye candy! So, I haven't done any more entries, BUT I did get a beautiful cover done! I'm also posting several of the "process" pictures on my flickr page: http://www.flickr.com/photos/annstanley59/

Physical Activities Collage

The next exercise to discovering my authentic self was to create a collage of physical activities that make me feel "joyous". I'm not sure I've ever experienced any physical activity that made me feel joyous (except when it was over - unless sex counts as a physical activity), but I'm trying to be open and receptive to all kinds of possibilities, so I played along. What kind of physical activity could I endure long enough to help the thin person inside me peek out? As I flipped through magazines I did find four activities that I've enjoyed in the past (not sure if they made me feel "joyous").

#1 - Swimming - I used to enjoy swimming and I know that it is good exercise, but I'm a self-taught swimmer and don't feel very confidant. We live close to a lake, but I prefer a pool where I can see the bottom. I seldom get out over my head (could this be a metaphor for my life?). There is a gym in town that caters to the 50+ set. Unfortunately, I now qualify for membership. The advantages - everyone there is old, wrinkled & probably as overweight as I am, so I could actually wear a swimsuit. The disadvantages - town is 25 miles away. Advantage - I work in town and have to drive in every week day anyway. Disadvantage - after spending 7 hours with 4th graders I'm not sure I have the energy. Hummmm - at least this is something to give some consideration to. I know I'll never be a size 4, but I would like to be smaller than a size 24. I know from experience that eating right isn't enough, I know I have to exercise if I want to see any real shrinkage of my rotund self. And after hubby suffering a massive heart attack and spending almost a year in the hospital, I'm more motivated to do something that will be good for my heart.

#2 - Dancing - I used to love to put on my favorite music and boogieing around my bedroom when I was a teen. (I know - boogie sort of dates me). While my collage features Fred Astaire and Antonio Banderas (impossible dance partners)I would like to get back into dancing. Despite my weight, I am pretty graceful and when I used to do step aerobics, the instructor thought I'd had training as a dancer. I think I'd like to learn to salsa. The music has a great beat and I could really move to it (reminds me of American Bandstand - "Dick, I'd give that song a seven"). Another real possibility.

#3 - Walking - Many of my coworkers walk around the building after work. Our P.E. teacher measured it and it only takes five rounds to equal one mile. I tried walking with one teacher for a while. I enjoyed our conversations, but she was in better shape than me and could easily out-walk me. I'd end up huffing & puffing! This is a possibility, but doesn't have the appeal that swimming or dancing hold. I suppose I could get a small CD player & find something interesting to listen to. Music would be okay, but a friend introduced me to the Janet Evanovich "Stephanie Plum" mysteries and I find them laugh-out-loud funny. Walking would be palatable if I listened to some of those stories. Okay, okay - walking might be a choice as well.

#4 - Gardening - I love to garden and since we finished building our log house two years ago, I've started building some raised flower beds from the native stone. There is SO much stone on our property and most of it is only a few inches under the topsoil, so in order to be able to plant bulbs, I have to build raised beds and haul in planting soil. Our local garden center sells a square yard of soil that is 1/3 top soil, 1/3 sand and 1/3 mulch. This just fits in my small Toyota Tundra pickup bed and will fill a 3' wide X 8' long X 18" tall flower bed. Last year my son-in-law helped me by building a bed from left over logs and decorated it with steel wagon wheels. I ordered about 100 bulbs from Breck's when they had a big sale and last spring we were treated to the most beautiful tulips, crocus and some funky little yellow flowers that were freebies. The biggest problem is that I don't work hard enough to raise my heart rate. I guess it's still good for me because I stretch (darn those weeds!) and get lots of fresh air and some sun. So I will definitely continue my gardening, but I'm not relying on it to get me in shape.

So, what have I learned about my authentic self? I do have healthy activities that I enjoy doing and have access to them, so getting in better shape is doable. I need to schedule time for me. The hardest thing about this is learning not to feel guilty because I'm making time for me. I have to come to truly believe that I am important as well.

Authentic Style

I've flipped through magazines, catalogs and the net to find images that embody style to me. At first I was a little perplexed. This is supposed to give me insight into my authentic style, but I was making choices that seem to be at opposite ends of the scale. On one hand, I was choosing tailored suits (think Channel) and on the other were flowing dresses in hot pink with funky jewelry and bags.
I sorted them and made two spreads, one I've come to think of as my business self and the other my home/weekend self.

Do I look like any of these models - sure - plus about a hundred pounds. Do I have anything in my closet that looks like this? Well, I have one lovely suit in the same bright blue I've chosen for several dresses (which was another surprise - didn't realize I was so fond of blue). I also have a couple of flowing dresses with the bright colors I was drawn to.

Thinking back, I realize that I've had many different styles over my five decades. As a teenager in the 70's I wore funky platform shoes, jeans with the seams ripped and triangles of bright fabric sewn in to make them bell-bottoms, tee shirts sporting the logo of every college campus I'd been to for high school activities and a denim jacket covered with patches of every kind and description.

My 20's were characterized by comfortable jeans, sneakers and comfortable, loose fitting shirts. Easy to pull on, especially after my two children were born (and baby fat lingered). By by late 20's and early 30's I had become a quilter and textile artist. My then first grade son was constantly worried about what mom might show up at school in. I loved overall dresses I'd made from my dad's worn out overalls with feed sacks stitched to the bottom to form the skirt. These were generally embellished with buttons, beads and fabric paint. The preferred footwear was a pair of hot pink high top tennis shoes embellished with rhinestones and paint. (Wouldn't you have HATED having me as a mom?????) Then I began teaching embellished clothing classes that featured my "signature" jumper. I used a pillow top print with matching fabric to construct a jumper with the pillow picture on the front and included a pieced or patchwork band around the bottom of the skirt. By this time I had graduated college and began my teaching career (yeah - I was a late bloomer), so my jumpers took on kindergarten themes and were now accompanied by white leather tennis shoes (washable) with ankle socks that matched the jumper and tee shirt I wore under it.

Fast forward to my 40's. The look was now elastic waist pants with turtle necks under cute vests. Mostly the vests were purchased and sported holiday designs, but when I had the time I still did come patchwork and created a few one-of-a-kind designs. Sensible black lace-up walking shoes finished the ensemble.
Then 50 struck. Somewhere along the way I'd lost my sense of style. Throwing on the same old elastic waist pants and a tee shirt sporting our school logo had become easy and until recently I was okay with that. Where did I lose myself? I'm going to find the authentic me under the navy blue and gray school shirts, the same boring clothes day in and day out.

I certainly can't throw out my wardrobe and start over (not practical and couldn't afford it) but I'm thinking of some changes I can begin to slowly make. The short, boxy Channel jackets would make my heavy, short frame look a little taller. I've been sewing my own clothes since I was 12 and began designing my own patterns at 14, so I think it's time to drag the machine out and begin to think about a few key pieces that I could slowly add to begin a transformation, at least at work. I look dumpy in skirts with blouses tucked in (WAY too much tummy), but I could pair the jacket with a simple dress (like the blue princess style). I tend to wear my skirts too long - almost dragging the ground - mostly because I'm so short and I've been too lazy to hem them up. Looking at the pictures I've collected I'm thinking I need to stop my dresses just above my knees. My grandmother always told me to keep my knees covered because I had ugly knees (age 12 or so). Really great for my self esteem, right? Well, I've been looking at other women my age, and my knees don't look any better or worse than theirs, so look out granny - I'm going to show my knees!

First Journal Entry

I'm so excited - I've started my first entry. After school started again in January, I felt like I was burning the candle at both ends and getting nowhere fast. We are constantly analyzing data and changing our teaching in an attempt to meet all the needs of all the kids. What this really means is that we are constantly chasing our tails trying to stay caught up - never mind getting ahead. It was pretty depressing to work so many extra hours (no extra pay - teachers are under contract and on salary). I'd come home, eat a bite & fall into bed. Finally last night I decided I was going to get a page done in my journal even if I had to stay up til midnight (which I did).

I'm using a school composition book, 7" X 9 1/2", the kind that is saddle stitched in the middle. Because the pages are very thin, I've glued 2 pages together to make a heavier area to work on. I used a photo safe glue stick from Hobby Lobby and did several pages. I closed the book and weighted it down for a couple of days.

Next, I tried some painting on the pages to make a 2 page, double spread. The first spread I used regular kids watercolor paint pans. They looked okay, but the paints are so cheap that painting the 2 pages used all of the 3 colors I was using. So back to the drawing board. I have a lot of acrylic paints in the small plastic squeeze bottles (like Apple Barrel brand), so I tried watering some of them down on a paper plate and applying them with a 1/2" wide brush. This looked okay, but the colors didn't blend the way I wanted them to. I tried a couple of 2 page spreads and got a lot of really dark colors. I was wanting a pastel, swirly, blend of colors for my backgrounds. So I tried another 2 page spread using pastel paints that had been thinned with water. I applied one color at a time and let them dry in between colors. This was closer to what I was looking for.

Last night I flipped to the last pages I'd painted and started pulling some scrap paper from my stash. The paint is light peach and watery blue. I found a scrap of darker peach that had flowers punched from it. I though it would make a good boarder, so I tore the piece down to size to fit on my page. I love the way the paint shows through the flower cut-outs. I inked the edge with Jim Holtz Distress Ink in antique linen, then glued it with glue stick and let it dry for a couple of minutes. I used my Zig Scroll & Brush pen in Fawn to write over the whole thing. This entry was my gratitude page, just some of the things I'm grateful for. Doing the page helped my clear my head and I slept well for the first time in weeks - no nightmares about school or lying awake thinking about all that I need to get done.

I don't know that I'm finished with the page. I may go back and doodle some. I don't draw realistic pictures well, but I love to doodle and have discovered that I'm not half bad at it. Already the book is beginning to swell and won't stay closed, so today I plan to decorate the cover and put a closure on it. I love ephemera (papers & other junk that was meant to be used once and thrown away like ticket stubs, post cards, advertising logos, etc.) and I know that some of my collection will be working its way into my pages. That's going to add bulk, so I'll just plan for that in my closure.

Getting Started

The first step in creating a discovery journal is to collect a few necessary supplies. A stack of magazines to cut pictures from, sharp scissors (I have a pair of cutter bees that I've used for years and they're still sharp, they also have nonstick blades, so you can cut tape, stickers, etc. without having to stop and clean the blades), glue sticks (Hobby Lobby carries photo safe ones that are very reasonable, and I have left-overs from scrap booking), pens, pencils (including colored pencils and watercolor pencils), markers, stickers, rubber stamps - just stuff that I have on hand and would normally use when creating scrapbooks, cards, etc. You get the picture. Right now I'm only gathering what I have on hand. I know that I will continue to add to the stash as I go along.

I needed some way to organize all the pictures I'm collecting. The journal has several manila pockets to organize things, but I can never do anything in a small way, so I went to Walmart and purchased an expanding file with 26 pockets. I looked at several that were cool colors and designs, but found that most didn't have POCKETS, they had dividers (open on the bottom so small pieces could slide from place to place). Some were even open to the outside along the bottom edges. So I ended up with a hot pink plastic file with 26 enclosed pockets, tabs on top to label and a sturdy handle so I can carry it around.

I'm also not following the suggested divisions from the journal. My brain works differently, so in order to be able to find things that I need I've created the following divisions: self/style, home, family, garden and words. I'll add more as I discover a need and may change those that don't work.

So I'm off to collect pictures that appeal to me. There doesn't have to be a reason, just things I like. I already have a small collection of things like Victorian images, landscapes, flowers, copies of photos of my family when I was a kid, crafty ideas, decorating ideas, but few modern women, clothes and accessories. I need to focus my attention on filling in gaps (but I know I won't be able to resist collecting other categories that I like). I can't wait to complete my first collage and post pictures!

My First Post

After having at least 1 major life-altering event in my life each year for the last 5 years and just celebrating (?) my 50th birthday, I felt listless - questioning why I am here - out-of-sync with the world. I half-heartedly searched for something that would help me through this midlife crisis (I hate that term, but I did feel as though I was in crisis). A good friend and coworker introduced me to Sarah Ban Breathnach's book, Simple Abundance. I read a few passages and decided I liked her attitude, so I went in search of a copy of my own. I love to shop betterworldbooks.com because I'm a teacher and I know my purchases are supporting literacy here in the U.S. as well as abroad, so that was my first 'stop'. I discovered Ms. Breathnach has written many books, and I was delighted to find "The Illustrated Discovery Journal - Creating a Visual Autobiography of Your Authentic Self". She had me at 'visual autobiography'. I've been scrap booking for many years (even before it was chic), I'd moved to artist trading cards and finally began dabbling in collage.

This blog was created to follow my journey as I discover my 'authentic self' and let go of my past. I really want to work on a discovery journal, but I know me and I will give up my journal time for others. You'll notice when I describe myself that I list wife, mother, etc. before artist. I was raised in a time when women were taught to put everyone else before themselves. I graduated high school the year that the equal rights amendment was ratified, so I've been part of the generation of women who had to build the bridge from previous expectations to modern ones. I've always been able to assert myself in the workplace, but have had difficulty on the home front. By blogging this process I believe I'll be more likely to take the time to create my journal and currently plan to post pictures of my journal each week. That way I can justify my time spent; because after all, I have promised others that I will post my work. Yes, I know I need to work on this aspect of my life - I'll try :)

I invite you to join me in my journey. If you are already working on such a journal, please consider sharing you experiences. If you have been looking for a way to start a journal and assess your place in the Universe, join the fun. I'd love to hear from you on our journey to discover who we really are and why we are here!